


Into the Rabbit-Hole

by Morningstar96



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alex has chronic depression, Alex needs a hug, And also a therapist, But they're there if you squint, Depression, F/F, Financial and employment instability, I put Supercorp in the tags for marketing purposes, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Supercorp, They're in love and starting a healthy relationship, This acknowledges the ongoing effects of mental illness even after you've recovered, honest discussions, new relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 20:46:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18972646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Morningstar96/pseuds/Morningstar96
Summary: Alex and Kelly have a long discussion when Kelly notices Alex brooding.So Alex reminisces about her struggle of seventeen months of job-hunting after med school, when she suffered depression as a result, and found solace in her sister, who tried to comfort her. Alex then realises that Kara is not used to a world like this- a world in which people can be so easily displaced and uncertain of their future.Alex is proud of how far she’s come, but retelling her story helps put some things back into perspective, and she realises that she may still need to put more work into her mental health.





	Into the Rabbit-Hole

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I'm struggling with the same issues- I've been job-hunting fruitlessly for sixteen months with no sign of a relevant job in sight, after working hard for four and a half years to earn two degrees, and I'm feeling like crap for it. Maybe this will be some form of catharsis. Anyway, I hope none of you have to be able to relate to this! Unemployment/ underemployment completely sucks, and everyone should be able to do something fulfilling and have financial security.  
> Love ya'll!

‘Alex?’ Kelly said softly, touching Alex’s arm.

Alex was leaning against her kitchen counter, and stiffened as she was brought out of her reverie.

‘Sorry,’ she said, voice rasping from disuse. She lifted her head to reveal big brown eyes drenched in a sadness that Kelly was beginning to recognise. ‘I didn’t hear you come in.’

Kelly didn’t miss the empty scotch bottles on the counter. ‘Penny for your thoughts?’

Alex blinked, and nodded stiffly. The alcohol was evident in her cloudy eyes, flushed cheeks and unsteady stance. Kelly got a glass of water and gently guided her to the couch. They curled up on it, settling in like they always like to do, Netflix playing on the T.V before them.

As a psychologist, Kelly knew to let people get comfortable before encouraging them to open up. She got Alex to down the glass of water, and tried not to freak out and destroy whatever was making her girlfriend sad when she saw the single tear streaming down her cheek. They’d only been dating for a couple of weeks now, but they’d been friends for longer, so she hoped Alex trusted her enough to tell her whatever was on her mind.

‘It’s stupid,’ Alex began, swirling the last bit of water in her glass.

‘If it’s bothering you, it’s not stupid.’

Alex gulped. Kelly hated seeing her eyes threatening to well up with tears, but she kept quiet and let Alex find her words.

‘I think I still have depression.’

_Definitely not stupid,_ Kelly thought, but again she simply waited and nodded for Alex to continue. She tried not to put on too much of her psychologist façade- she was here as Alex’s girlfriend, not therapist- but, well, she _was_ a trained professional. If she could help Alex, she would.

‘My first bout was after dad died. I was so angry- I wanted to blame everyone, Kara most of all, even though there was nothing I could do about it. I stayed in my room for months, took so many days off school, barely ate. I wasn’t ready to be part of a family with a single parent, let alone with an alien foster sister, and I just lashed out at everyone. Eventually I got out of it- I finally bonded with Kara, accepted dad’s death, graduated high school with full marks, got accepted into my first choice of med school. My university years were great, once I got over the shock of moving away from mom and Kara. I kept getting full marks, went to parties, did all that college stuff. But something kept nagging in the back of my mind. Every date I went on was a complete failure, and I couldn’t seem to make myself feel anything for the guys I was supposed to be drooling over. I ignored what my gut was telling me whenever I stopped to admire a woman for too long, or got too excited over gay people in T.V shows, or listened to too much lesbian-oriented music.’ Alex gave a bitter laugh. ‘Even now, I hate that I’ve wasted so much time- time I could have spent pursuing women instead of men, the time I could have had developing fulfilling romantic relationships that didn’t feel dead on my end.’ She shook her head, grimacing. ‘Everyone says it’s better late than never, but I was nearly thirty when I realised I’m gay!’

Kelly took her hand, stroking the back of it with her thumb. She knew the feeling all too well- both from herself, and from previous clients struggling with the same issues.

‘Sometimes I even still blame Kara, and I hate myself for it. Kara feels guilty- she thinks I’ve wasted so much of my own time and life looking out for her, and in my darkest moments, part of me agrees. I hate that. But anyway. The worst part was after I graduated med school. For seventeen months I was constantly applying for jobs, searching for internships, anything that could get me _somewhere._ I asked mom for help, but even she struggled to find anything, and I kept getting rejected on a weekly basis by everything I ever applied for. All that time, I was living off social benefits and forced to move back with mom. Kara was doing odd jobs around Midvale, even she was struggling to find anything more secure. But, you know, at least she was getting paid. I was starting to feel worthless, unwanted, banging on every door only to have it slammed right back in my face. When I went for my motorbike license and failed for the third time, I just burst into tears- my instructor didn’t know what to do, he just awkwardly sent me off to try again in two weeks. I was volunteering at places that have no relevance to the medical fields because I couldn’t find any other experience, crying and screaming whenever it got too much, sleeping too long and eating too little. I just felt so fucking worthless- after all my years of effort, was I destined to just get temp work in retail and admin for my whole life? Or remain unemployed?’ Alex shook her head, more tears streaming down her cheeks as she relived the memories. ‘I just wanted to live my dreams and find myself, but no one wanted to hire me. One time, Kara confronted me about my behaviour and I just lost it- I screamed out all my frustration at her, said some very unpleasant things I deeply regret, and generally used her as a punching bag. And you know what? Kara just sat me down and told me about Krypton.’

Kelly blinked. ‘What did she say?’

Alex took a shuddering breath. ‘She told me that she thought earth’s political and education systems are unnatural. Back on Krypton, there were guilds- job fields you were trained for from childhood, where you were guaranteed a place for life doing the work you were destined for. Kara was allotted to the science guild, like her father- she was one of the youngest of her age to be set to enter the guild, though she didn’t get the chance. Her planet died before she could do any of what she was destined for. I remembered how she struggled in high school, how frustrated and bored she was trying to hold back her intelligence to try and seem normal. But, uh, yeah- Kara is still completely mystified by the general lack of career support on earth. To her, everyone has a right to have a chance to do something great and fulfilling for their life’s work, and I felt like my career was in flames before I even got anywhere. So that was how J’onn found me: unemployed, grieving my father, dealing with untold issues, and drowning my sorrows at a bar. To my complete shock, he offered me a job at the D.E.O.’ Alex leaned back, eyes fluttering closed. ‘I didn’t believe him at first. After nearly two years of fruitless searching, hearing a job offer felt like an auditory hallucination. But it was real, and soon enough I was packing up. So Kara and I moved to National City; she got a position as Cat Grant’s assistant, and I trained as an undercover agent for the D.E.O. My training and job security bolstered me, and I cried with happiness for the first time in years when I finally secured my first apartment. I was finally moving up again, and with my new training, I could do a better job than ever of looking out for Kara- even if I had to lie about what my job actually was.’ Alex gave a small smile at that. ‘In retrospect, it seems a bit silly that I was mad at Kara for deciding to risk herself as Supergirl when I’m busy endangering my own life on a regular basis.’

Kelly squeezed her hand. ‘It must be the Danvers spirit,’ she teased gently, and Alex gave a wet chuckle.

‘But I quickly tumbled in the opposite direction to where I was before. I got so involved in my work and training, especially after Kara came out as Supergirl, because I was so determined to use every bit of training the D.E.O offers to protect her. I forgot to think about myself, and while I love my job dearly, my social life suffered badly- not that I really had much of one to start with. I just stopped even attempting to date, which was honestly a good thing- I didn’t even think women were an option until Maggie. It was her who made me stop a bit, made me rethink things and force me to get back in touch with myself. I was so happy when I was dating her, and so fucking heartbroken when I realised I want kids, and she doesn’t. That was for the best, though. You can’t make someone a parent if they don’t want to be.’

‘That’s true enough,’ Kelly agreed, warming all over as she caught sight of the adoption certification on the coffee table. ‘You’re going to be a great mother, and I’ll do whatever you let me do to co-parent.’ Kelly would honestly fully co-parent Alex’s future child, but perhaps it was a little too early in their relationship to talk about that.

Alex sank against her, nuzzling her neck and squeezing her hand. ‘I’m scared, Kelly. I want this so much, but this depression hasn’t fully gone away, and I still can’t completely shake off that feeling of worthlessness. The organisation’s cleared me for adoption, but is it enough?’

‘It is enough,’ Kelly said firmly. ‘You can’t expect depression to fully go away, even when the root causes of it have been dealt with. Often, I’m not even sure if mental illnesses ever do go away- I don’t know anyone who comes out quite the same afterwards, anyway. But lots of people with mental illnesses are fine parents, and find ways to raise their kids in a healthy and supportive environment. You’re going to be great, Alex. You have so many skills you can use to raise a brilliant child, and if you’re really worried, we can start booking therapy appointments so you can learn how to better cope with your issues.’ She glanced pointedly at the scotch.

Alex let out a long sigh. ‘Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. I’ll see my G.P tomorrow, and see what he can do.’

Kelly nodded, and held Alex close. ‘He’ll be able to refer you to someone good- and if you don’t like them, you can choose someone else. You can even choose me, if you’re comfortable with that.’ She stuck out her tongue playfully. ‘You’ll still have to pay for me, though.’

That got a stifled laugh out of Alex. ‘Always.’

Alex got that far-away look in her eyes again, and Kelly decided it was time for a distraction.

‘So, did you hear about the latest development with your sister?’

‘That she kissed Lena?’ Alex frowned. ‘Wait, that rumour’s real?’

Kelly grinned. ‘Yep, they finally made up! Lena finally saw the light and realised she was so mad at Kara keeping her secret because she’s in love with her.’

‘Oh my God,’ Alex said, shaking her head in disbelief. ‘They’re idiots, I swear…’

 

 


End file.
